Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
