I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
