you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
