apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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