Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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