That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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