i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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