I CAN MOONWALK!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
