My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
