does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
