I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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