this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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