I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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