Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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