we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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