I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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