I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
