I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
