Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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