ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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