woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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