I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
