I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
