you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
