Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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