i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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