After last night, I could never be a politician.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
