Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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