I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
