Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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