i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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