Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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