peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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