it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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