Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
