It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
