Duck Duck Cougar?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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