guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
