i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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