I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just sent this text using only my big toe
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
