you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
