No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
