I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
