Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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