My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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