I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
