finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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