lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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