then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
