I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
